its been a long time since i update this truth blog of mine.. few things to update though..

been meeting her like 6 times since we breaks off.. everytime without fail, i managed to make her cry.. hahax.. for the first 4 times, i still have some feelings for her.. but this week tuesday when i met her, i slowly discovered my feelings for her is dropping like hell..

until today.. i met her up at 1pm.. went to her house to pick her up.. i saw the ke leng kia's bike at her house.. at that moment, a strong heat rushed up my head.. i dunno why.. i just feel kind of elated when i see that scene.. after that fetch her to my house.. i walked a whole stretch of road without looking back.. when i reached my lift, she's still very far away from me..

reached my house.. i never talk to her like 2 hours.. after that i gave up and talk to her.. at that moment, when i looked at her face, she looked like a complete stranger to me.. i dun even have the slightest feeling left for her.. even when i kissed her that time, i dun feel anything.. all in my head and heart was just to play along this game with her.. anyway i dun lugi wat?!!? hahax.. somehow i feel that im being real cold-blooded..

went to buy some food for her to eat just now.. last time when i reached home and see her, i will feel very happy.. just now i just feel that im looking at a stranger.. or worst still just a fling for me.. send her back around 545pm.. on my bike, i purposely tell her i no more money liaox.. what she said later reached my motive.. she say maybe the bank might be corrupted.. i might just see another $200 in my bank.. hahax.. i know im a cheebye.. but sorry.. i've changed..

she asked me to step into her house for awhile.. after that she said she heard a horn.. that ke leng kia reach her house liaox.. and the funny part is.. i dun feel dulanx.. i even smile at the ke leng kia when i go out to take my bike.. now i just wan him to feel that his girl.. is actually outside flirting with another guy.. hahax.. revenge is indeed sweet.. she's a stranger to me now.. a total one..

I JUST FEEL THAT I AM NOT BOON KIAT ANYMORE.. there is no way anyone can bring the old boon kiat back.. bye boon kiat.. welcome the new one.. mr cold-blooded..

ok like wat i was saying just now..

she had a proposition for me.. she said she can continue seeing me but not as much as before.. and whenever she cancels a meeting, the reasons are her to disclosed.. no bitching no nothing no interfering with her life.. and then i ask is it means that i can only be with her and yet i can't ask anything about her?

she say i can, but the answers are hers to give.. and she dunwan to see the disappoinment and anger when she choose not to give a reason.. pple she hang out with, i shouldn't have a problem with that.. cos its not my rights to do so.. and so does she as its not her right to control who i go out with either..

she says she wants me to know that she's not torturing me, she just needs her life.. if the both of us get too attached, problems will come.. she also said she had seen it happen and dunwan it to happen again..

she say she is just testing out time.. how far can my sincerity bring me? i seriously dunno.. cos with a sucky char like mine.. i dunno how far i can endure this kind of thing.. plus my over sensitive thinking, over/easily-jealous mindset and a very powerful pessimistic mind, i dunno how long i can endure..

i've been asking myself over and over again do i really need her in my life? yes i do.. although i can gladly live life without her, but still its better if she's in it.. no doubt there's that fucking ke leng kia behind the scene.. but i dun care now.. tears accompanying me the whole night and morning.. everytime i hear a song, everytime i tried to repeat what she always call me, everytime i tried to imitate her asking me to lie next to her.. tears just came flowing.. unstoppable..

now in my own direction of life, i now tell you guys/girls.. i love her and i can't do without her.. maybe its the kind of love im actually searching for.. dun u pple always find it weird? there are lots of pple you meet in life.. but there are those when u forsake them, break off with them, u dun feel as sad? u might be sad for a couple of hours and u dun even think about it the next day.. and there are those when u leaves them, leaves u pondering over and over it again for the next few years?

trust me pple.. when u meet the love of your life.. you are willing to forsake everything for them.. even though its hard, you will try.. so now lets see how far my sincerity can bring me.. how long i can endure this thing.. how much my heart is willing to give in to all these requests? lets see and hope that its not just a moment of impulse..

she just send me a email.. come guys.. give me some opinion of it..

i will not deny that i haven't been thinking of him these past weeks. i will not deny that although i have had many happy days with you, i also miss and think of the days i had with him. i don't know if i still have some semblance of love left for him or if i miss the happiness those days brought me. I got together with you not only because i fell in love, but also because i wanted to see if that happiness could be duplicated with someone new. I have to admit that the cause of the last failed relationship was because we loved each other too much. Possessiveness became a huge problem as did our insecurities. Very similar to what you're experiencing now. We were always afraid of losing each other to someone else. I keep telling you we're not compatible for various reasons. Firstly, the language barrier. Although we've grown used to speaking in a language more comfortable and understandable to each other's ears. i must say that i'm still not totally comfortable speaking mandarin. and i believe you're not totally comfortable with english either. The other thing is control. You expressed the need or want to control my dressing, my interaction with others and who i contact. The want may not have been expressed verbally but it is evident in your body language. I know you do not want to control me but it is the vibes i'm getting. I want you to be happy. But apparently you are not with me. simply because you keep thinking about losing me to someone else. I know you too want me to be happy, and that you wouldn't totally mind letting me go. But i know that in your heart you just want me to yourself. That is understandable, me succumbing to my whims and fancies before. i am extremely confused. both of you, as much as you have your differences, have the same mindset when it comes to me and competition. Both of you keep asking me to choose. Something i wish i do not have to. You have given me things he could never have given to me. Both of you are special to me in your different ways. How can you expect me to choose between the two of you. You want me to decide who i need the most, is my choice not evident? he has begged me to go back to him . He has told me of a miserable life that he leads now in my absense. And you tell me of your neverending intense fear of losing me. And that you wouldn't know what to do once i leave you. What do you expect me to do? It's not that i'm being mentally unfaithful, but i am human too. When you lose something that was once your life, can you tell me that you never miss it once in a while? i know you treat me really well, and i'm sorry if you think my behaviour is a form of repayment. I'm not being ungrateful, no i appreciate everything you've ever done for me. I don't want to lose you, but i feel like i'm in a tug of war here. What can i do? My heart isn't stone like yours is. Please understand and don't take this the wrong way. i know i can't make both parties happy, and i'm miserable because of it. I can't and will not disregard either party's feelings in this matter. But it is so hard to resolve. you have no idea as to the enormity of the guilt i feel whenever i'm out with you. because i know i can never repay what you've given me. YOu're not the failure, I am. For i know not what i do. In the process of trying to salvage the situation, i only succeed in breaking everyone's heart including my own. I'm sorry, but I do not think i deserve you. Leave while you can, i don't want to hurt you further.

time for me to update on stuff between me and her.. recently or at least for the past 2 weeks.. everything's cool.. no quarrels.. honeymoon period.. maybe its becos of the fucking ke leng kia.. finally and finally he knows what to do.. or rather i put it in this way.. i've been meeting her everyday after i quit breeze.. so that leaves the ke leng kia no choice lohx.. he can't meet her.. hahax..

and for pple who read my truth blog.. here's his fucking detail..

His name is ERIC.. thats all i know.. he stay in pasir ris central area.. BLK 422.. he used to study at PASIR RIS CREST SEC SCH.. and the funny thing is he was a fucking PREFECT!! and according to jackie, he and his brother are fucking buey gan.. jackie once whack him before.. so for pple who wants to help me take revenge.. can do so now.. remember pls.. HIS BLACK with SPECS.. looks so skinny and rides a aprilia bike.. his number plate is FR9638K.. i remember it liaox.. cos i saw him! thanks guys!

sometimes really wonder to myself.. am i doing alot of things for her? or am i not?

although i do noticed the ultra change in her right now.. like not contacting that ke leng kia anymore.. even though he msg her, she would not reply to his msg.. and becos i told her i dun like her wearing revealing clothes, she stopped wearing.. at the very least, she is trying her very best to accomodate me.. which is a kind of consolation lahx..

so in short, i really love her.. but i dunno how long this love could stretch.. cos 5 yrs down the road, she's migrating to australia forever.. so? am i wasting time? sighx.. i dunno, i really dunno..

hahax.. that kitty dies today.. although it kind of hurts my heart to see that, but at least its gone.. spent the last 4 days treating it like treasure which to me is a fucking waste of time.. cleaning up its body, changing the newspaper shread.. feeding it.. knn.. really waste of time.. if its a cat that i planned to have forever den i dun mind.. kan ni na, only 1 fucking stray cat lehx.. dun even know its origin.. was glad it finally died though.. sorry for my cek ark-ness.. but its better off if it died..

today went over to pasir ris park again to chit chat.. enjoyed the breeze there though.. but what fucking spoilt the whole atmosphere is the fucking ke leng kia was there.. we were walking back to my bike when i saw him.. fucking blackie.. dun even understand what she saw in him.. the funny thing is she actually tells me that, i win that blackie.. cos even the blackie says i look better then him.. FUCK U LAHX!!! i any friend also better looking den that fucking ke leng kia.. first, he's fucking poor.. rides a small bike which his mother bought for him.. 2nd, he's black.. 3rd, he looks like he only got 1 friend.. 4th, he's short and skinny.. 5th, always tells my gf that he wants to find a job so that he can buy things for her, but say only, can't even find.. fucking useless bastard..

in short, MIDDLE FINGER TO U! CHAO CHEEBYE!! FUCKING KE LENG KIA! YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER ARE THE BEST EXAMPLES OF FAILURE PARENTS!!!

ni na bei chao cheebye lahx.. meet her today at 5am.. den sit down at my void deck to smoke before going up my place.. bluff her at 150am that i going to slp but i went to meet lester instead.. so it means from 930am the previous day i woke up, didn't sleep all the way till i meet her.. nvm i meet her at 5am cos after that, she will come up my place and sleep.. but becos of a stupid MEOW sound, she wanted to somehow save the kitten..

to cut a long story short, we got that kitten out.. after like 2 hours of tugging and pulling from the drain.. i do admit it looks fucking cute lahx.. but whats the point of keeping it? somemore u dunno its origin, dun even know what kind of breed it is.. to make things simpler, its just a fucking stray cat lahx.. i believe all of my friends out there wun be bother to even care about that fucking kitten.. but yet she.. ok lahx i admit she has that sympathy for it but for what? why bother yourself over such small issues? fuck it lahx!!!

brOkeN hEarTs
l0vE hUrts
neVer waS hAppY

let my heartbeat be my heart's cry, let my love drown in sorrows
in my life, love never existed

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