ok like wat i was saying just now..

she had a proposition for me.. she said she can continue seeing me but not as much as before.. and whenever she cancels a meeting, the reasons are her to disclosed.. no bitching no nothing no interfering with her life.. and then i ask is it means that i can only be with her and yet i can't ask anything about her?

she say i can, but the answers are hers to give.. and she dunwan to see the disappoinment and anger when she choose not to give a reason.. pple she hang out with, i shouldn't have a problem with that.. cos its not my rights to do so.. and so does she as its not her right to control who i go out with either..

she says she wants me to know that she's not torturing me, she just needs her life.. if the both of us get too attached, problems will come.. she also said she had seen it happen and dunwan it to happen again..

she say she is just testing out time.. how far can my sincerity bring me? i seriously dunno.. cos with a sucky char like mine.. i dunno how far i can endure this kind of thing.. plus my over sensitive thinking, over/easily-jealous mindset and a very powerful pessimistic mind, i dunno how long i can endure..

i've been asking myself over and over again do i really need her in my life? yes i do.. although i can gladly live life without her, but still its better if she's in it.. no doubt there's that fucking ke leng kia behind the scene.. but i dun care now.. tears accompanying me the whole night and morning.. everytime i hear a song, everytime i tried to repeat what she always call me, everytime i tried to imitate her asking me to lie next to her.. tears just came flowing.. unstoppable..

now in my own direction of life, i now tell you guys/girls.. i love her and i can't do without her.. maybe its the kind of love im actually searching for.. dun u pple always find it weird? there are lots of pple you meet in life.. but there are those when u forsake them, break off with them, u dun feel as sad? u might be sad for a couple of hours and u dun even think about it the next day.. and there are those when u leaves them, leaves u pondering over and over it again for the next few years?

trust me pple.. when u meet the love of your life.. you are willing to forsake everything for them.. even though its hard, you will try.. so now lets see how far my sincerity can bring me.. how long i can endure this thing.. how much my heart is willing to give in to all these requests? lets see and hope that its not just a moment of impulse..

she just send me a email.. come guys.. give me some opinion of it..

i will not deny that i haven't been thinking of him these past weeks. i will not deny that although i have had many happy days with you, i also miss and think of the days i had with him. i don't know if i still have some semblance of love left for him or if i miss the happiness those days brought me. I got together with you not only because i fell in love, but also because i wanted to see if that happiness could be duplicated with someone new. I have to admit that the cause of the last failed relationship was because we loved each other too much. Possessiveness became a huge problem as did our insecurities. Very similar to what you're experiencing now. We were always afraid of losing each other to someone else. I keep telling you we're not compatible for various reasons. Firstly, the language barrier. Although we've grown used to speaking in a language more comfortable and understandable to each other's ears. i must say that i'm still not totally comfortable speaking mandarin. and i believe you're not totally comfortable with english either. The other thing is control. You expressed the need or want to control my dressing, my interaction with others and who i contact. The want may not have been expressed verbally but it is evident in your body language. I know you do not want to control me but it is the vibes i'm getting. I want you to be happy. But apparently you are not with me. simply because you keep thinking about losing me to someone else. I know you too want me to be happy, and that you wouldn't totally mind letting me go. But i know that in your heart you just want me to yourself. That is understandable, me succumbing to my whims and fancies before. i am extremely confused. both of you, as much as you have your differences, have the same mindset when it comes to me and competition. Both of you keep asking me to choose. Something i wish i do not have to. You have given me things he could never have given to me. Both of you are special to me in your different ways. How can you expect me to choose between the two of you. You want me to decide who i need the most, is my choice not evident? he has begged me to go back to him . He has told me of a miserable life that he leads now in my absense. And you tell me of your neverending intense fear of losing me. And that you wouldn't know what to do once i leave you. What do you expect me to do? It's not that i'm being mentally unfaithful, but i am human too. When you lose something that was once your life, can you tell me that you never miss it once in a while? i know you treat me really well, and i'm sorry if you think my behaviour is a form of repayment. I'm not being ungrateful, no i appreciate everything you've ever done for me. I don't want to lose you, but i feel like i'm in a tug of war here. What can i do? My heart isn't stone like yours is. Please understand and don't take this the wrong way. i know i can't make both parties happy, and i'm miserable because of it. I can't and will not disregard either party's feelings in this matter. But it is so hard to resolve. you have no idea as to the enormity of the guilt i feel whenever i'm out with you. because i know i can never repay what you've given me. YOu're not the failure, I am. For i know not what i do. In the process of trying to salvage the situation, i only succeed in breaking everyone's heart including my own. I'm sorry, but I do not think i deserve you. Leave while you can, i don't want to hurt you further.

time for me to update on stuff between me and her.. recently or at least for the past 2 weeks.. everything's cool.. no quarrels.. honeymoon period.. maybe its becos of the fucking ke leng kia.. finally and finally he knows what to do.. or rather i put it in this way.. i've been meeting her everyday after i quit breeze.. so that leaves the ke leng kia no choice lohx.. he can't meet her.. hahax..

and for pple who read my truth blog.. here's his fucking detail..

His name is ERIC.. thats all i know.. he stay in pasir ris central area.. BLK 422.. he used to study at PASIR RIS CREST SEC SCH.. and the funny thing is he was a fucking PREFECT!! and according to jackie, he and his brother are fucking buey gan.. jackie once whack him before.. so for pple who wants to help me take revenge.. can do so now.. remember pls.. HIS BLACK with SPECS.. looks so skinny and rides a aprilia bike.. his number plate is FR9638K.. i remember it liaox.. cos i saw him! thanks guys!

sometimes really wonder to myself.. am i doing alot of things for her? or am i not?

although i do noticed the ultra change in her right now.. like not contacting that ke leng kia anymore.. even though he msg her, she would not reply to his msg.. and becos i told her i dun like her wearing revealing clothes, she stopped wearing.. at the very least, she is trying her very best to accomodate me.. which is a kind of consolation lahx..

so in short, i really love her.. but i dunno how long this love could stretch.. cos 5 yrs down the road, she's migrating to australia forever.. so? am i wasting time? sighx.. i dunno, i really dunno..

hahax.. that kitty dies today.. although it kind of hurts my heart to see that, but at least its gone.. spent the last 4 days treating it like treasure which to me is a fucking waste of time.. cleaning up its body, changing the newspaper shread.. feeding it.. knn.. really waste of time.. if its a cat that i planned to have forever den i dun mind.. kan ni na, only 1 fucking stray cat lehx.. dun even know its origin.. was glad it finally died though.. sorry for my cek ark-ness.. but its better off if it died..

today went over to pasir ris park again to chit chat.. enjoyed the breeze there though.. but what fucking spoilt the whole atmosphere is the fucking ke leng kia was there.. we were walking back to my bike when i saw him.. fucking blackie.. dun even understand what she saw in him.. the funny thing is she actually tells me that, i win that blackie.. cos even the blackie says i look better then him.. FUCK U LAHX!!! i any friend also better looking den that fucking ke leng kia.. first, he's fucking poor.. rides a small bike which his mother bought for him.. 2nd, he's black.. 3rd, he looks like he only got 1 friend.. 4th, he's short and skinny.. 5th, always tells my gf that he wants to find a job so that he can buy things for her, but say only, can't even find.. fucking useless bastard..

in short, MIDDLE FINGER TO U! CHAO CHEEBYE!! FUCKING KE LENG KIA! YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER ARE THE BEST EXAMPLES OF FAILURE PARENTS!!!

ni na bei chao cheebye lahx.. meet her today at 5am.. den sit down at my void deck to smoke before going up my place.. bluff her at 150am that i going to slp but i went to meet lester instead.. so it means from 930am the previous day i woke up, didn't sleep all the way till i meet her.. nvm i meet her at 5am cos after that, she will come up my place and sleep.. but becos of a stupid MEOW sound, she wanted to somehow save the kitten..

to cut a long story short, we got that kitten out.. after like 2 hours of tugging and pulling from the drain.. i do admit it looks fucking cute lahx.. but whats the point of keeping it? somemore u dunno its origin, dun even know what kind of breed it is.. to make things simpler, its just a fucking stray cat lahx.. i believe all of my friends out there wun be bother to even care about that fucking kitten.. but yet she.. ok lahx i admit she has that sympathy for it but for what? why bother yourself over such small issues? fuck it lahx!!!

had a super quarrel with her on tuesday, my last day at breeze.. she so damn suay.. kelly came to breeze with his gf.. upon reaching, he surprised me with this question.. "where your gf going huhx?" i was like huhx? wtf? i totally dun get what he was trying to say at that moment.. den he tell me becos his gf is the one riding today.. therefore she turned into the wrong entrance which happened to be her house entrance.. and kelly saw that motherfucking ke leng kia's bike at her house there.. so i told kelly just in case he see wrongly again.. told him to go do a round and double confirm is it that ke leng kia..

and bingo.. it was him after all.. after that i called her 3 times in a row and she didn't picked up.. excuse was she left her phone at home.. after that she called me at 12am.. saying how much she missed me and all those fucking bullshit.. nvm though.. i was really damn pissed off with her at that moment cos she went to meet that ke leng kia again even after the quarrel we had on sunday.. and know the superb disgusting truth? why she met that ke leng kia? its becos that motherfucking ke leng kia dunno how to cut his own fucking cheebye fingernails.. and he still have the guts and face to ask my girlfriend to cut for him? and the worst worst thing is my girlfriend actually thought its alright and cut his fingernails for him..

guys tell me lahx.. how to endure this kind of rubbish? alright.. i didn't endure.. on the phone i just kept quiet.. and den i asked her: "nothing to talk to me?" she say since u have no mood to carry on talking den dun talk.. ok den i say fine ok bye.. didn't msg or call her for the next hour until she called me at 1am.. once i picked it up, i was like "yah"!? she asked am i still angry.. of cos i say i was! bloody hell, which guy in this world can endure.. even if jesus comes alive, he also cannot endure.. a saint can't do that.. dun expect a human being to do..

of cos during the conversation, i shot tons of nasty remarks.. when she asked, "so now u want to leave me is it?" the first time in all our quarrels i replied "YES".. cool huhx? den i say "if my presence here would make u so uncomfortable and seeing my attitude all of the time, den i leave.. will that be better?" she said "no that wun be better." my reply was "ok den fine! den by leaving u, i would be much more happier or at the very least, i need not bother myself over such issues anymore! what have i done to deserve all this from u? u just told me on sunday u will never contact him again.. now less then 1 week, u commit again!! is it guys who treat girls bad are always good? so that the girls would love them better? he treated u so bad and yet u are still doing so much things for him.. as for me? i dun deny i treat u very good already, what else u expect out from me?!!! so 1 fine day, if he tells u his dick is dirty, u would wash for him? or u wan me to go telling everyone that how well my girlfriend can cut pple's fingernails and thats why pple keep looking for her to cut??!!!"

thru out the whole conversation, she was either not talking or crying.. but i was too agitated and disappointed at that time to even care about all that.. after which andrew called me to do some things, so i told her i will call her back.. and hang up the phone.. the feeling's good.. after shouting, i feel better.. thats 1 thing.. 2 thing, she's at my mercy.. no wonder last time sheryl likes to flare temper so much.. i can fully understand how she is feeling at that time..

i called her back somewhere around 2.30am.. and den i lied to her that i have to help out with the monthly stock take as there was not enough manpower.. i even said that this might carry on all the way to 5am or 6am for that matter.. so i told her to go and rest.. she say no this is important and that she would wait for my call no matter the time.. i said "fine, whatever u want.. go and rest now.. i need to get back to work.." before putting down the phone, she said "i know this might not matter much to u now, but i wan to let u know that u mean alot to me.." my reply was "yah, nothing else? ok bye.." and i hang up again..

but the truth was i went out with lester, yanping and wendy to east coast to talk cock.. all i did was to complain and complain.. but the good news is, i found something at macdonalds (ask me if u wan to know what it is).. finish talking cock, went home and called her.. her voice sounded distant.. must be the lack of sleep.. and den before ending the call, she say I LOVE U.. i just yah again and ok bye! lolx..

and i wasn't expecting her to call or msg me back anymore after my cool cool attitude.. but she still did at around 1pm today.. i didn't reply cos i wasn't at my room.. i was in the kitchen chatting with my mum.. suddenly she called and told me that she's outside my house.. at that moment, somehow or rather, i felt that in her heart, i actually do mean alot to her.. i mean if i dun, she wun even bother to come and find me.. and she still brings along the necklace i got for her.. she said she want to return to me cos she felt that she dun deserve it..

somehow, i feels that she still loves me alot.. and i still do love her.. just that sometimes alot of things i can't accept and i wun even try or learn to accept.. if 1 more time, just 1 more time that ke leng kia comes intervenes with the both of us.. ok last straw, i will leave her forever.. cos she promised me this time round, she will never contact him again.. the previous time she said, she will try.. she didn't promised.. so lets see, lets see..

brOkeN hEarTs
l0vE hUrts
neVer waS hAppY

let my heartbeat be my heart's cry, let my love drown in sorrows
in my life, love never existed

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